Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Lord, give me strength. Heal me and restore me because I am weak and alone. Or at least I feel that way. I am shivering, crying, and vulnerable. I'm tired of not being good enough. Please, God, be more than enough for me.

All my life I've been treated like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for my dad so he made comments about my weight. What I want to do with my life isn't good enough for my mom so I have to get a degree and a well-paying job. I wasn't good enough for the lead role so my music director gave it to the person who gets everything. I wasn't good enough for a certain boy so he said he needed to spend more time with God but then he ended up dating someone else. I wasn't good enough for yet another boy so he said he needed to be single for a while, but a short time later, looks like there's an interest in someone else. I'm always the last person to know things. I'm always the last person anyone thinks about. I get a ridiculously painful ovarian cyst and no one goes out of their way to ask me how I'm doing unless I start a conversation with them. I'm tired of falling short. I'm tired of being picked last. I'm tired of all of this.

Why can't I just be good enough for one person?! That's all I ask, God. Send someone my way that will care about me and love me because I am myself and that is enough for them. And please, God, please be more than enough for me.

This is more personal than I was planning on getting, but at this point in my emotions, I don't know how else to say it. I didn't write this to behoove you or to get you to pity me. I wrote this for me, but if it somehow makes you understand how I'm feeling at this particular moment in my life, great. I am broken, shattered even, and only God can put me back together, but don't hesitate for one second to pray for me. I'm not afraid to admit that I need it.

peace, love, and transparency.
humpty dumpty

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