Salt

I am afraid of collaboration.

I put so much weight on the opinions people have of me, and I never really realized it until we became friends. I care that people think I’m funny all the time. I care that people think I’m put together nicely. I care that people think I’m laid back or fun or spontaneous. I care that people know I’ve known about those things, too. I care that people think I have something to say. But I am not all of those things all the time.

I am not always funny, and sometimes I am an emotional wreck. I’m not always collected, or fun, and sometimes I need to plan out the details. I don’t always have something to say. And sometimes I haven’t heard about this or that.

And that’s okay.

And I need to be okay with that.

Because we will still be friends.

Paying so much attention to what I think you think prohibits me from being valid. I become disabled by my own ideals and images of how I think you see me. I don’t typically voice things because of the immense pressure I put on myself to always make you happy or please you or make sure you have the right perception of me.

It’s exhausting.

And it has made me stale.

I will become seasoned again.

Again

So here I am, dealing with another bout of depression.

It usually beings when I get "too busy" to spend time with God and then little things become big things and things matter that shouldn't and things don't matter that should. Happiness is so fleeting and joy seems too far away. Freedom is buried because you keep allowing things to dig deep and push you further in. Friends feel like they don't want to be friends anymore and everything is hanging from your own actions or words and if you mess up, it will all fall apart.

I really need someone to disciple me and I need someone to disciple.

My love language is quality time, followed closely by physical touch. In other words, I feel the most loved when people seek me out to spend time with me or when they take our plans seriously. So it really hurts when I make plans with someone or a group of people and then they flake or forget we made plans. It also hurts when everything thinks I have been informed about something when really no one has kept me in the loop (even when I ask) and because of everyone's assumptions, I end up being left out. Normally I could get over it pretty quickly, but when I am in this state of mind - this selfish, shitty, dark, lonely state of mind - everything hits harder and hurts deeper.

I need Jesus.

shalom.
kaeli

To my future husband

My dearest,

Sometimes at night I cry because I just haven't felt good enough for anyone yet. I haven't felt attractive enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or spiritual enough. I have wasted so much time and thought on other men; so much of my heart has been handed out and it hurts that it's been broken so many times before. But then I am reminded of how I was crafted for you, how you were put together for me; how God on High knew before either of us were knit that we were designed to be for each other.

I want to be your teammate, your best friend, your biggest fan, your muse, your partner in crime. I want to cook for you, to pray with you, to laugh and cry with you. I want to be absolutely ridiculous with you. I want to watch nerdy TV shows and movies with you. I want to play music with you. I want to be free with you. I want to be your wife, the mother of your children, the grandmother of our children's children.

I want to talk to you under the sheets with a flashlight. I want to stay up way too late reading together and talking about our days. I want to sleep in on rainy days and just be with you. I want to adventure with you. I want to hike and go for bike rides and kayak and dance and go to an archery range. I want to make so many memories with you that we will never run out of stories to tell.

Most of all, I want to serve Christ and the Body with you. I want to be challenged by you and with you and grow so far into Christ that there is no end to where your or I begin in Him.

For now, I will wait. Patient, but with so much longing. I cannot wait until I meet you, my darling. Thank you for waiting for me.

This weekend

I keep getting more and more excited to be moving back to St. Pete. I went down this past weekend because we were auditioning a potential drummer and every time I go to that city I can't help but dream until I am actually living there.

Friday night we went to see Man of Steel with some folks that were pretty nice. Abbey and Toper get free tickets to Baywalk so that was a treat. Man, that movie was fantastic. I really can't get over how well done that was. The only thing about it I didn't like was Kevin Costner as Clark's dad. He's the only character I didn't believe.

Saturday we spent some time fixing up the old house and recording the sounds that we were making. We put some fake wood flooring down in the spare bedroom, and then took down one of the walls in Abbey's room. Later the Mitchells came over and we had some family time. We talked a lot about creation and how we are to take care of it and then how we can specifically take care of it. Then James (potential drummer) met us at the house. We took him to Starbucks and talked about the project and what we're about and what we're looking for. Then we brought him back to the house and taught him a song.

Sunday Abbey and I slept in until 11am. Neither of us do that. Ever. After we finally woke up we went and got breakfast and coffee and met back at the house to practice til I had to leave for Tallahassee.

I really am not sure how it's going to be having James a part of the project, but we will see. This next month is going to be insanely busy for all of us what with me trying to move and us trying to play a few shows. This is all crazy and overwhelming and exciting. I am really looking forward to a life with these guys.

peace, love, and futures.

Phone calls

I'm just really thankful for my mom and her willingness to be there for me and help me when I'm having tough times. Today we were talking about friendship and how she has noticed that I've never had a consistent best friend, they've only been around for a season. That's not a bad thing, but it can be kind of lonely.

Right now my mom doesn't really have any friends that she can just call up and hang out with like she used to. It breaks my heart. Jesus, please send her a couple of women who can just invest in her and her in them. She needs that discipleship and that friendship.

peace, love, and besties.
kaeli

Seasons

I get hit fairly often with bouts of missing people deeply. I have been blessed to be able to do and see so many amazing things and meet and grow with so many amazing people, that I wish I could split myself up so I could always be in those places. However, life is full of seasons that aren't meant to stick around. It's a sad truth that I won't always be as close with people as I was when I was living with/near them. I wish that wasn't true.

I miss being another adopted kid in the Gawlowicz family.
I miss adventuring in the Swedish forests with my Holsby family.
I miss playing with Legos and rollerblading with Caleb, Josh, and Thomas.
I miss family vacations before my parents divorced.
I miss being roommates with Bekah and Kristin.
I miss going to Cornerstone with Thad and Jillian.
I miss competing in marching competitions with the RA band.
I miss VBS set up and helping with VBS week with the Coombs.
I miss Rica being my best friend.
I miss beach worship at pier 60.
I miss Sennit being around all the time.
I miss shenanigans with Kenny.
I miss being close with Kaydee and Alyson.
I miss carpool meetings at the Reynolds'.
I miss the Movement.
I miss Winter Retreats.

Sometimes missing all of these people (mentioned and not) makes me feel lonely and it's somewhat heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know how much I care about them even though we never see each other anymore. I want people to know that just because things aren't the same, I still love them so much. It's just hard sometimes to keep reminding myself that where I am now is good and these people now are good and we are doing good things and serving a good God when I often think about where I've come from.

God, give me a present mind. Thank You for the times past, thank You for what's happening now, and thank You for what will happen. Help me to keep You as my strength and remember that You are full of good things. Thank You for always blessing me and for the people who have helped me become who I am right now.

peace, love, and memories.
kaeli

People food

Today Tovah (my cat) decided that while no one was home that she would jump on the kitchen table, chew a hole in a bag of my roommate's onion hamburger buns, eat some, jump with the bag on top of the trash can, and continue to eat. Needless to say, she will not be getting any treats today and now I have to buy my roommate more hamburger buns.

peace, love, and onion breath.
kaeli

We like sports

Pray that I don't continue to give my heart to him because he hasn't earned it. Pray that I can be happy for him and genuinely appreciate his friendship regardless of our status. Pray that I will have faith that God has someone out there for me that I'll meet in His timing. Pray that He will prepare my heart for my future mister.

On a much, much lighter note:

Last night I went to my second roller derby bout ever and it ended up being a double-header. Both Tallahassee teams lost, but I had fun either way. If I was able to make the commitment, I would totally join a derby team when I move back to St. Pete.

Today I played ultimate frisbee with a bunch of people up here that I love. I've really missed that game, I haven't played in a couple years. I kept having flashbacks of playing it in Mississippi (remember that great catch, JJ?), playing it on SPC's campus, and playing it in Sweden in the rain. So many great memories with that game.

Then Tina, Josh, and Ramoane all came back to my house and I taught them how to play Dutch Blitz. I dominated, of course, but that's not the point. I'm glad they like it because I've been trying to get people to play that game since I've lived here. Now, two months before I leave, I finally find people that enjoy it.

peace, love, and Vitamin Water.
kaeli

I know I'm being vague

I really wish we would all pay more attention to the things we say and do and how they affect people. Most of our words and actions are undeniably selfish and/or inconsiderate (myself included). Can we start asking ourselves a few questions before we speak or act?

Is it loving?
Is it needed?
Is it true?

When we stop thinking so much about ourselves and start thinking about the people around us, the world becomes a better place.

peace, love, and posts that are equivocal but about specific occurrences.