Monday, December 30, 2013

New blog

This blog, to me, has been a way for me to chronicle events of my life, feelings, miscellaneous other things. This post will be the last on here. If you would like to keep reading my thoughts, head over to my new blog:

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Future love

I've had the desire to be one with someone for so long. I don't think it came from Disney princess movies or romantic comedies or overhearing conversations of older kids or anything. I think it came from Christ loving the Church. I've been in and out of short, stupid relationships that meant nothing, and I've toiled with a manipulating, more serious relationship. But now, I've been single for five years and have really come to the conclusion that if it really is just me and God for the rest of my life on earth, then that's wonderful. But I don't think I have this desire for no reason.

I want to discover someone. I want to always be figuring someone out. I want to cook for him. I want to dance with him. I want to empower him and inspire him. I want to hold and be held by him. I want to find pieces of his past and fit them into the puzzle that is him. I want to be on his team. I want to serve him and serve with him. I want to experience mutuality with him. I want to pray and grow with him. I want to fight and wrestle through things with him. I want to make him laugh. I want to captivate him. I want to have open conversation with him.

Loving people to that extent is so difficult, but I think I, as well as all believers, have a great capacity for it, since our love is not our own.

Since we know what real love is.

It's a struggle, it's romantic, it's silly, it's emotional, it's miraculous, it's deep and wide, it's amazing.

It can be so painful, but it's the most beautiful thing to exist, Love.

Sunday, July 28, 2013


I am overwhelmed. And hurt. And tired. And worried. And anxious. And sad. And lonely.

Lord, please be my strength.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Why is it that we all want change but are so afraid of it?

Because we are afraid of what we can't control (as if we are really in control of our lives 
anyway; so much is dependent upon circumstance). With change comes the unknown and the thing about the unknown is that it's undiscovered by the individual. There is no possibility of being aware of it until you are in it. But when you are it's beautiful.

I went home to St. Pete this weekend. I spent most of my time there working on the house I'll be moving into in a few weeks. But on my last evening in town I decided to eat some dinner with my mom. I was on my way to her house when she asked if I could stop by Publix and purchase some foil for her. As I was walking to my car after buying the foil, I received another phone call from my mom sounding relatively calm about my step dad's situation:

"Kaeli, Denis' house caught on fire. I don't know how bad it is yet, but just go on home and I'll be there in a little bit."

My mom and I were both thinking it was a minor fire; you know, something happened in the kitchen, or some other isolated place.

I got to my mom's house and went inside and turned on the TV. Ten minutes later I received another call from my mom, this time sounding more panicked:

"Kaeli, the fire is really bad, Rugie didn't make it. You can go on back to Tallahassee if you want or you can come by. Denis is a mess."
"No, I'm coming by."

I raced over to the other side of the neighborhood but could barely get down the street with all the other cars and firetrucks. I parked over on a side road and quickly made my way over; tears were beginning to stream down my face. As soon as I reached my mom and Denis, I threw my arms around them, sobbing into Denis' shoulder. He began to cry, too. The firefighters were waiting for the smoke to clear before they went back inside. They had carried Rugie out, wrapped in a blanket, and laid him in the back of Denis' truck.

I was crying because of the shock of it all, how fast it happened, and the loss of Rugie. Denis was crying because that dog was everything to him. Sure, he had just spent the last two years completely remodeling the house and recently finished, but man, that dog.

Eventually we were allowed to go inside and see the damage. The fire started in the back of the house, in Denis' study. It had burned so hot and so fast that the back windows exploded. That whole half of the house was completely destroyed. The front half, though not physically burned by the flames, suffered intense heat and smoke damage. Barely anything is salvageable. But we are all so thankful there were no human injuries.

Denis lost everything he owned. Every document, piece of furniture, every tile he laid, every picture he hung, everything. Granted, it is all just stuff, but it's a lot to lose in one hour.

The beautiful thing about this is that we are alive and we can start new. The house can be rebuilt and most of the stuff can be replaced. Change is hard, but not always bad; it is what we make of it, and we can make it beautiful again.

Saturday, June 29, 2013


I am afraid of collaboration.
I put so much weight on the opinions people have of me, and I never really realized it until we became friends. I care that people think I’m funny all the time. I care that people think I’m put together nicely. I care that people think I’m laid back or fun or spontaneous. I care that people know I’ve known about those things, too. I care that people think I have something to say. But I am not all of those things all the time.
I am not always funny, and sometimes I am an emotional wreck. I’m not always collected, or fun, and sometimes I need to plan out the details. I don’t always have something to say. And sometimes I haven’t heard about this or that.
And that’s okay.
And I need to be okay with that.
Because we will still be friends.
Paying so much attention to what I think you think prohibits me from being valid. I become disabled by my own ideals and images of how I think you see me. I don’t typically voice things because of the immense pressure I put on myself to always make you happy or please you or make sure you have the right perception of me.
It’s exhausting.
And it has made me stale.
I will become seasoned again.

Saturday, June 22, 2013


So here I am, dealing with another bout of depression.

It usually beings when I get "too busy" to spend time with God and then little things become big things and things matter that shouldn't and things don't matter that should. Happiness is so fleeting and joy seems too far away. Freedom is buried because you keep allowing things to dig deep and push you further in. Friends feel like they don't want to be friends anymore and everything is hanging from your own actions or words and if you mess up, it will all fall apart.

I really need someone to disciple me and I need someone to disciple.

My love language is quality time, followed closely by physical touch. In other words, I feel the most loved when people seek me out to spend time with me or when they take our plans seriously. So it really hurts when I make plans with someone or a group of people and then they flake or forget we made plans. It also hurts when everything thinks I have been informed about something when really no one has kept me in the loop (even when I ask) and because of everyone's assumptions, I end up being left out. Normally I could get over it pretty quickly, but when I am in this state of mind - this selfish, shitty, dark, lonely state of mind - everything hits harder and hurts deeper.

I need Jesus.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

To my future husband

My dearest,

Sometimes at night I cry because I just haven't felt good enough for anyone yet. I haven't felt attractive enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or spiritual enough. I have wasted so much time and thought on other men; so much of my heart has been handed out and it hurts that it's been broken so many times before. But then I am reminded of how I was crafted for you, how you were put together for me; how God on High knew before either of us were knit that we were designed to be for each other.

I want to be your teammate, your best friend, your biggest fan, your muse, your partner in crime. I want to cook for you, to pray with you, to laugh and cry with you. I want to be absolutely ridiculous with you. I want to watch nerdy TV shows and movies with you. I want to play music with you. I want to be free with you. I want to be your wife, the mother of your children, the grandmother of our children's children.

I want to talk to you under the sheets with a flashlight. I want to stay up way too late reading together and talking about our days. I want to sleep in on rainy days and just be with you. I want to adventure with you. I want to hike and go for bike rides and kayak and dance and go to an archery range. I want to make so many memories with you that we will never run out of stories to tell.

Most of all, I want to serve Christ and the Body with you. I want to be challenged by you and with you and grow so far into Christ that there is no end to where your or I begin in Him.

For now, I will wait. Patient, but with so much longing. I cannot wait until I meet you, my darling. Thank you for waiting for me.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

This weekend

I keep getting more and more excited to be moving back to St. Pete. I went down this past weekend because we were auditioning a potential drummer and every time I go to that city I can't help but dream until I am actually living there.

Friday night we went to see Man of Steel with some folks that were pretty nice. Abbey and Toper get free tickets to Baywalk so that was a treat. Man, that movie was fantastic. I really can't get over how well done that was. The only thing about it I didn't like was Kevin Costner as Clark's dad. He's the only character I didn't believe.

Saturday we spent some time fixing up the old house and recording the sounds that we were making. We put some fake wood flooring down in the spare bedroom, and then took down one of the walls in Abbey's room. Later the Mitchells came over and we had some family time. We talked a lot about creation and how we are to take care of it and then how we can specifically take care of it. Then James (potential drummer) met us at the house. We took him to Starbucks and talked about the project and what we're about and what we're looking for. Then we brought him back to the house and taught him a song.

Sunday Abbey and I slept in until 11am. Neither of us do that. Ever. After we finally woke up we went and got breakfast and coffee and met back at the house to practice til I had to leave for Tallahassee.

I really am not sure how it's going to be having James a part of the project, but we will see. This next month is going to be insanely busy for all of us what with me trying to move and us trying to play a few shows. This is all crazy and overwhelming and exciting. I am really looking forward to a life with these guys.

peace, love, and futures.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Phone calls

I'm just really thankful for my mom and her willingness to be there for me and help me when I'm having tough times. Today we were talking about friendship and how she has noticed that I've never had a consistent best friend, they've only been around for a season. That's not a bad thing, but it can be kind of lonely.

Right now my mom doesn't really have any friends that she can just call up and hang out with like she used to. It breaks my heart. Jesus, please send her a couple of women who can just invest in her and her in them. She needs that discipleship and that friendship.

peace, love, and besties.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


I get hit fairly often with bouts of missing people deeply. I have been blessed to be able to do and see so many amazing things and meet and grow with so many amazing people, that I wish I could split myself up so I could always be in those places. However, life is full of seasons that aren't meant to stick around. It's a sad truth that I won't always be as close with people as I was when I was living with/near them. I wish that wasn't true.

I miss being another adopted kid in the Gawlowicz family.
I miss adventuring in the Swedish forests with my Holsby family.
I miss playing with Legos and rollerblading with Caleb, Josh, and Thomas.
I miss family vacations before my parents divorced.
I miss being roommates with Bekah and Kristin.
I miss going to Cornerstone with Thad and Jillian.
I miss competing in marching competitions with the RA band.
I miss VBS set up and helping with VBS week with the Coombs.
I miss Rica being my best friend.
I miss beach worship at pier 60.
I miss Sennit being around all the time.
I miss shenanigans with Kenny.
I miss being close with Kaydee and Alyson.
I miss carpool meetings at the Reynolds'.
I miss the Movement.
I miss Winter Retreats.

Sometimes missing all of these people (mentioned and not) makes me feel lonely and it's somewhat heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know how much I care about them even though we never see each other anymore. I want people to know that just because things aren't the same, I still love them so much. It's just hard sometimes to keep reminding myself that where I am now is good and these people now are good and we are doing good things and serving a good God when I often think about where I've come from.

God, give me a present mind. Thank You for the times past, thank You for what's happening now, and thank You for what will happen. Help me to keep You as my strength and remember that You are full of good things. Thank You for always blessing me and for the people who have helped me become who I am right now.

peace, love, and memories.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

People food

Today Tovah (my cat) decided that while no one was home that she would jump on the kitchen table, chew a hole in a bag of my roommate's onion hamburger buns, eat some, jump with the bag on top of the trash can, and continue to eat. Needless to say, she will not be getting any treats today and now I have to buy my roommate more hamburger buns.

peace, love, and onion breath.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

We like sports

Pray that I don't continue to give my heart to him because he hasn't earned it. Pray that I can be happy for him and genuinely appreciate his friendship regardless of our status. Pray that I will have faith that God has someone out there for me that I'll meet in His timing. Pray that He will prepare my heart for my future mister.

On a much, much lighter note:

Last night I went to my second roller derby bout ever and it ended up being a double-header. Both Tallahassee teams lost, but I had fun either way. If I was able to make the commitment, I would totally join a derby team when I move back to St. Pete.

Today I played ultimate frisbee with a bunch of people up here that I love. I've really missed that game, I haven't played in a couple years. I kept having flashbacks of playing it in Mississippi (remember that great catch, JJ?), playing it on SPC's campus, and playing it in Sweden in the rain. So many great memories with that game.

Then Tina, Josh, and Ramoane all came back to my house and I taught them how to play Dutch Blitz. I dominated, of course, but that's not the point. I'm glad they like it because I've been trying to get people to play that game since I've lived here. Now, two months before I leave, I finally find people that enjoy it.

peace, love, and Vitamin Water.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I know I'm being vague

I really wish we would all pay more attention to the things we say and do and how they affect people. Most of our words and actions are undeniably selfish and/or inconsiderate (myself included). Can we start asking ourselves a few questions before we speak or act?

Is it loving?
Is it needed?
Is it true?

When we stop thinking so much about ourselves and start thinking about the people around us, the world becomes a better place.

peace, love, and posts that are equivocal but about specific occurrences.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Summer in the city

A little over a year ago I moved to Tallahassee to impact the city, to be Jesus with skin on to the college kids and homeless folks and retired ladies & gents. I don't think I could recap this year into one post, but I will try to hit some of the highlights.

I was 21 when I finally had moved out of my mom's house - it was time. I felt like I needed to get out of St. Petersburg and try things out on my own. Hence, Tallahassee. It was far enough away that I wouldn't be able to be in my usual surroundings very easily, but not too far that I'd need a new license plate. I had two friends up here - Malee and Blake - but other than that, I didn't know anyone or anything about the city (eventually I found out that some of the people I met at Total Bummer [music festival] lived in Tallahassee).

I went one month without a job and spent most of my summer hanging out with Blake and Malee, steadily meeting more people and exploring new places. I started gathering with Calvary Chapel Tallahassee and started a prayer night at my house. I went to see Malee's band, Aircraft, whenever they played. I got a job at an animal clinic and eventually started taking classes at Tallahassee Community College.

Somewhere after getting a job and before Thanksgiving I got really selfish. When I first moved up here, I had nothing and had to rely on God for everything. Once He gave me what I needed and I was able to sustain it, I forgot where it originally came from. So naturally, cutting myself off from my source disabled me from giving to other people. I spent most of fall semester consumed with college and work, often using the excuse, "I don't have enough time," even for things like gathering with the Church and spending my own time with God. But somewhere around or shortly after Thanksgiving God got my attention.

(Also, Toper and Abbey and I started a music project together.)

I spent Christmas break realigning myself to Him and remembering where to find rest and peace and hope. Christ had revived the life in me and I was starting to become more like myself again. Spring semester was a great improvement from the fall. I was intentionally investing in people (something I'd set out to do when I moved here) and seeking to be change and be changed. Spending time with God was refreshing and I was thirsty. I also started driving to and from St. Pete every so often to practice with the band. I'd been learning a lot about cultivating relationships at this time.

 (Also, I got really into biking, and adopted a kitten and named her Tovah.)

Now it's summer again and my time here in this city is almost up. I'm finishing up my last class until I can get my Associate in Arts degree, and my last day of work is July 26th. The prayer night I host is still a weekly gathering and it has been fruitful. I have made many friends up here and hopefully I have been able to be Love for them. However, I am moving back to St. Pete at the end of July to pursue mutual goals and dreams with my bandmates and cultivating the community there. I realize I have only scratched the surface of everything that has happened and all the things I experienced, but this was basically my time of reflection and nostalgia in getting ready to move on. I was faced with more challenge and struggle than I've ever had (with one exception), but I've also been filled with so much more joy and peace and understanding because of it. Stay classy, Tallahassee.

peace, love, and reruns.