Shortly after I got home from Sweden, I had to deal with being in familiar surroundings without Jonathan. It was like I was reliving everything I had gone through in Sweden, while most everyone else had started to move on. Again, God has used such a major tragedy to bring glory to Himself. Honestly, I am awestruck.
Last night, a few people (Ben, Kenny, Cara, Tiffany, Philip, and myself) got together and celebrated the life that Sennit had here with us. We played some praise and worship songs, told stories, and a few of us did some major crying. It was a bittersweet night, all in all.
Many of you probably don't know this, but I decided a few weeks ago to start being a vegetarian on February 7, 2010. Three reasons:
1) It's something different
2) It will encourage me to eat healthier
3) In honor of Sennit
I am a vegetarian now, for at least a year, and I know it's going to be difficult. The way I'm looking at it, it's sort of like a constant fast from meat, in a way.
Needless to say, dealing with all of this is still hard for me at times, but I'm definitely trying to find ways to praise God through to the end.
peace, love, and rockets.
kae-bug
1 comment:
You know, when I read this a few days ago it didn't cross my mind that you thought and felt the same things I was thinking and feeling but from different circumstances. The only reason I don't go to Gibbs SPC anymore is because I can't relive those places that I use to go or be with him; that place that I met him at. There are places I totally avoid like the black plague because I went there with him and I can't handle it. I thought it was stupid to try to explain it to someone, knowing they would just be confused or heartless about it.. but yea, its one of the biggest reasons, as I said to you the other day in the car, that I stopped going to church. I can't sit there and not think about him or how he use to sit next to me and poke me under the table or try to play footsie or steal my water bottle.. I relive it like its a ghostly memory and I'm just not okay with it. I use to run out of church crying my eyes out and then Ben would come out behind me and sit with me and rub my back but I could never get the words out to explain why I felt that way or why I did what I did. I know to most people it is like woe-is-me sort of scenario, or what a weak person; but I never pretended to be that strong. I mean, I put on the front of being strong, but not stronger than I really was.. & then it all came crashing down and I couldn't front with myself anymore even.. ya know. I don't know if that includes believe in God and all that, but I really don't even know where I stand with it. I say I don't believe because I have been to upset and too hurt, and not just by his death.. by so many things attached to it and all the nasty little things that happened during before and after. It's like a poison just leaked in and stole ever bit of happiness and okay-ness from me and I just had to get out and get away and find my happiness away from the pain and the mess. Even if I have not found it yet (which I haven't, not totally), I am better now than I was 4 or 5 months ago. Even better than 2 or 3 months ago.. And just by seeing you smiling face on Monday it made me a bit more hopeful and to know not to give up (even if I want to over and over again..) ya know. <3
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