Amazing grace

Too long, O Lord, have I been idle. Too long, O Lord, have I been stale. Too long have I been worked up and worried. Too long have I used many an excuse. Too long have I been fearful. Too long, O Lord, have I been lazy.

Too long, O Lord, have I judged. Too long, O Lord, have I been unwelcoming. Too long have I lacked trust. Too long have I lacked faith. Too long, O Lord, have I left my call unanswered.

My light has grown dim; my life, slowly fading. My love has been selfish and shallow.

"But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness."
- Psalm 86:15 (ESV)

peace, love, and one million second chances.
kaeli

Look on with love

So I'm sitting here at 11:06pm on a Monday night after just having read Ephesians 4, and feeling loads of shame and a huge weight on my shoulders. These last two days have been very convicting for me, which is great in one sense because that means I'm listening to the Holy Spirit and His ministry to my spirit, but it sucks on the other hand because it means I slipped up.

I have been battling with depression for years now, but I've never really wanted to call it that in the past because once you hear the word "depression," things automatically become serious. Some of you might not have even suspected it, but I think that's because I have fine-tuned my ability to hide certain things about myself. I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I can call it like it is, but unfortunately it doesn't change the fact that that's what I'm dealing with.

"Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. The have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!"
- Ephesians 4:17-20 (ESV)

In trying to cope with my depression, I have used misguided techniques that I have picked up along the way of destruction, one of them being self-abuse. Those with no hope, in the end, resort to hopeless means. But as a believer in Christ, I have hope, right? Well, I would hope so. But in the past, why have I opted to harm my body, or isolate myself, or not seek help? It is a great misfortune in my life that this inflicting pain on myself did not end a year ago like it should have. And here begins my newest moment of transparency.

I didn't do it again for attention. I didn't do it in a visible place. I did it in secret, with a demon hovering nearby and growing more and more exhilarated with every second I spent in that treacherous act against the temple. And I am so ashamed of that.

You see, I know that it didn't solve anything and I know that it certainly made things worse, but I did it anyway. I have taken it before my Father, and He has already forgiven me, glory to God. I will strive to live my life worthy of the calling Christ has given me, and I pray in the name of Jesus that this pattern of self-abuse and self-loathing stops.

"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."
- Ephesians 4:22-24 (ESV)

I say all of this as my way of asking for help. I am an exceedingly stubborn person, so for me to even try to ask for help is a big step for me. Some of you may judge me for this, and that's okay, I love you anyway. But I ask that you look on me with love, as someone who needs encouragement, who needs you to be Jesus with skin on in my life, as someone who needs prayer. I know I can defeat this with the strength of my Savior and the love of my friends, and I know God will somehow use my error to glorify Himself in some mighty way. Praise God.

peace, love, and newness.
kaeli

Somewhere weakness is my strength

I've only just begun day 4 of my 30 day raw vegan experience, and I'm already about to give up. For the last two days I have been saying to myself that I'm just going to end it and deal with failure, but I haven't done that yet, praise God.

This whole thing is showing me how weak I really am, how dependent I am on certain things, how much I need God to make it through.

My body has finally finished detoxing from all the harmful additives in food we digest on a daily basis, which means my headaches are gone and I've stopped shaking. But I'm still having cravings. I really want to devour an entire chocolate cake by myself; I just want a taste of something other than raw fruits and vegetables.

I am having such a hard time with this, but I can't even imagine what it's like for the other four people doing this with me. See, I was a vegetarian already so I'm used to not eating meat. But the others have had to give up way more than me and I can see how hard this is on them.
And not only is it a huge temptation to quit because of the different food I am craving, but it is also starting to become a burden for me financially. I've had to go to the grocery store every day so far, and I've spent over $50 in groceries. Fruits and vegetables don't last long on the freshness side, and I've had to eat more than usual to keep from going hungry.

God has already been teaching me so much through this, and part of me really wants to continue with this adventure and glean everything I can from it. And then there's the part of me that wants to give up so so badly.

I wear a bracelet on my left wrist that has the reference 2 Corinthians 12:9 on one side, and "LIVEWEAK" on the other. This experience is putting a whole new, fresh emphasis on my heart.

peace, love, and attempting perseverance.
kaeli

Lost

How do I go about doing what I feel God is calling me to do at this particular moment in my life, when my mom doesn't want me to do that? How do I continue to be respectful to her and honor her? Someone, please. If you have an answer, send it my way. I need some direction here.

In this body, we will live

This is an older post from 2006, I believe. But I really like it, and I've edited it a bit:

I was thinking about the human body, recently. Honestly, I have no idea why. I was just thinking about it. Have you ever realized how completely complex it is? I mean, seriously, how the heck did God come up with that? Mad props to Him. Not only that, but He made two types of the human body: male and female, just to add a mixture of complexity.

Think about it. Men - hunters, pursuers, Mr. Fix-its. Women - emotional range of the atlantic ocean, mysterious, valuable. The two beings fit together perfectly. Who in there right mind could honestly unveil something as insane and amazing as this?

I was at a camp a few years ago and in our seminar time, they kept saying, "God isn't big. He's beyond." That really hit me when I started thinking about how our lungs know to breathe when we are unconcious, how if we've been burned our brain tells our bodies. Or even how our heart knows the right time to beat. Only God could have come up with something like that. God isn't big. He's beyond. God's love is beyond.

God loves us so much. His love is so beyond, that we almost never understand why things are the way they are, or why situations turn out the way they do. The most we can do is love God back.

peace, love, and reflection.

kae. li.

Poetry!

Hello beautiful people.

I have started a new blog which will be nothing but poems I have written. It is a fantastical journey I am ready for, and I hope you will join me.

But fear not! This blog will still exist and I will still be updating it. However, it will be more of an actual blog than a poetry slam.

So to see my poems, you must now go here. And I hope you will, because I am excited about this.

peace, love, and rockets.
kaeli

An untitled poem about negative comparison and positive discovery

"How insignificant I seem,"
said the little seed,
"Why do I compare me
to the olive tree?
Nothing comes easy,
not even melodies.
And honestly,
I don't need your sympathy.
Farmers sow and reap -
they like what they see -
but I'm painted in ivory.
My envy screams like a cacophony
but You resist the urge to leave.
You stop and look at me,
the lonely little seed;
You rest me on Your knee
and tell me how I'm lovely.
Then You plant me by the sea
and I have life, suddenly,
like You've handed me an eternal key.
I begin to grow and spring
from the dirt and soiling;
I shower down my many leaves
and they drift off in evening breeze.
I am not an olive tree,
for I have been made differently,
but I am slowly blossoming
into who I was made to be."

peace, love, and uniqueness.
kaeli