Sunday, March 1, 2009

We Are Broken

About two weeks after I got back to Holsby on a Saturday, I was sitting in bed just talking to God about things I was worried about and things I was thankful for and other things. I knew I hadn't been on the right track with Him for a while and I wanted to fix that, so I asked God to break me. After I finished praying, my friend Jess walked into my room and sat down. We started talking about how we were sick of being complacent with where we were in our walks and how we wanted to feel that passion and fire for God again. But we had no idea how to make that happen. We talked for about forty five minutes until she decided to go to bed.

On Sunday, things seemed to be going okay. Church was pretty good and I was worshipping in the back with Bekah during the songs. Afterwards, we all went back to our dorms to change into more comfortable clothes and headed to lunch. Most people go to the computer room to check their Facebooks after lunch, and yes, I am one of those people. It was then that I found out. I received a message from Kaydee saying last night Sennit had died. I saw that I had another one from Alyson but I didn't have time to read it before tears were going to explode out of my eyes. I hit the log out button and ran upstairs to my room. There were people gathered outside of the computer room and as they saw me running, I heard them say my name but I didn't care to stop. I needed to get to my room. Two girls had followed me up there but I had no idea who they were because I was already collapsed on the floor crying my eyes out. I could hear people coming in and out of my room, feel people touch my shoulder or my leg for a brief moment, and then leave, all the while one word kept floating through my thoughts like a broken record... "Why?"

After that, it seemed like Murphy's Law was surrounding me; it could've been that I had a more pessimistic view of things. I couldn't be home with the people that knew and loved Sennit as much as I did. I lost my True Love Waits ring in the snow on a trail in the woods. I felt alone all the time. I was behind in my school work. I got strep throat and couldn't go on my outreach for outreach week. What else could go wrong?

But I think that there's a reason as to why all of this is happening. I asked God to break me. I asked Him to rock my world so that I could be on fire for Him. And I think that is what's happening. It's definitely not going to happen overnight, but I think that His love is slowly creeping into my life; at least that I can see. I still don't have my True Love Waits ring. I'm still not home with my friends. I'm still behind in my school work. I still miss Sennit. But I have hope. Although it's a good reminder, I don't need that ring. There are a ton of people here in Sweden, though nothing like you guys back home, that would do anything for me. I'm actually doing my school work. My strep throat should be gone in a few more days. And I will see Sennit again. So, yes. I am broken, and there might be parts of me that still need to be broken, but I do know that God knows what he's doing and I'm going to trust Him with that... as hard as that may be.

peace, love, and brokenness.


Loren Fay. said...

this just made me bawl my eyes out.

A visible Ghost said...

I love you kaeli <3

Alyson Wise said...

I feel the same exact way. I was sooo far from God and He really broke me to a point where I either relied on Him to get me through or...give up.
We are truly blessed to have such an amazing God and I am really learning how to have hope amidst suffering.

It reminds me of Jordans song breakdown...
"It's been a long long time since I've been broken down this way and I swear by your Holy name that this time things are gonna change"

I love you Kaeli, thanks for this <3

Kenneth said...

Life doesn't slow down or get easier, it just gets harder. It is our love for God that brings rest and provision. I have seen that these last few months as I am sure you have. Jesus will teach us to love Him more and more, one way or the other, and He will be glorified in the life of Sennit for ages to come, that is the true witness. God's love, through us, shown to the world. If we make it through these hard times with our faith and love for God in tact, it will only glorify Him more and more, and what better thing to live for?