Cardigans and coffee

Love everyone. Even the ones that make it difficult to love. Especially them.

peace, love, and rockets.

kaeli

An Excerpt

"On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am...After the first few steps in the Christian life we realise that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God."

- C.S. Lewis, an excerpt from Mere Christianity.

peace, love, and provoked thoughts.

kaeli

An Excuse Overcome

The sun is setting

And the stars are ready

For this day to come to an end

An overtaking night sweeps in

The clouds communicate

Their laughter turns to rain

Gravity pulls the water down

But in stubbornness, turns it back around

A voice is carried down the river by a chilling breeze

Are You its owner, speaking out to me?

I hear You, oh I hear You

But I'm not as obedient as the trees that grow toward You

I need You, You know I need You, Lord

So I'll take that piece of wood and move forward

The buzzing bees and chirping birds ensure

That all is well, yet we still endure

The pain of the day and the cricks in our necks

What's next? Glasses and specs?

The morning grass is wet with dew

And each seed sprouts in the golden hue

I suppose I can't complain

After all, You've given me a name

I hear You, oh I hear You

But I can't speak as well as my brother before You

I need You, my God, I need You

Torn, I'll take up this piece of wood and move forward

peace, love, and originals.

kaeli

Oooh, an analogy

I've always loved the picture of a potter sitting at his wheel and molding a lump of clay into something beautiful. I realize that this analogy is overdone, but it's amazing nonetheless. A potter can take the clay and change its shape over and over, so long as the clay stays wet. Once it hardens, it can't be changed. It will just be left to dry out and crack if it is not eventually put in the kiln. Sure, you could paint it and try to cover up what's left of it, but underneath it's just an ugly piece of pottery.

What about us?

Following Christ isn't easy; He never said it would be. We all mess up, we all make mistakes, and we can do one of two things: We can ask God to change our hearts and bring back our desire to worship Him. We can still be reshaped, remolded - we just have to let Him work. Or go the other way and harden our hearts. Let's hope it's the former.

God is the ultimate Potter. He can change us, reshape us, mold us, make us stronger, and so much more if we let Him. If we keep trusting in Him, living out His Word, putting Him first, He can make us beautiful pieces of art.

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our Potter; we are all the work of Your hand."

- Isaiah 64:8

peace, love, and rockets.

kaeli

I'll Wake Up

Here is what I have thus far for a song I'm working on called "I'll Wake Up":

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places
Up til now I wasn't shaken
All this anticipation
Has led to broken endings
Sometimes it's harder to believe
"Oh doubters, come and see"
You are a mystery to me
But I'm not bending (here)

Because Your eyes
See the truth that set me free

But in the mourning I'll wake up
And take a breath of Your love
Because of You I want to dance
Together in this romance

Without You I am nothing but temporary
You give more life than I could hold on my own
And now I've come to the conclusion - it's time to heal
I know You're never letting go
You know my soul and set my feet
You are a hiding place for me
You take my brokenness
And make me whole again

And in the mourning I'll wake up
And take a breath of Your love
Because of You I want to dance
Together in this romance

Happy birthday

Meet Jonathan Sennit. (Photo credit to the lovely Loren Fay.)

I was first introduced to him back in 2005. He started attending FSCC for youth group to help us out as we were beginning a new chapter with the church. He and I quickly became friends. We both loved music and life and most importantly, God. He was the person that was there whenever you needed him, even if you didn’t want him. He was wise in the Word and sought God daily; Jesus Christ is what kept him going each and every day. Yes, he had his downfalls like any other human being, but he was never afraid to admit that and move on, move forward. He was an encourager, a servant. In September 2008 he was diagnosed with brain cancer; February 2009, God called him Home. Through everything he endured, he praised God for it -everything. He is the greatest example of a Christ-follower I have had the honor of knowing; he was one of my best friends.

Today is his birthday; he would’ve been 21 today. I miss him every day, but some days are harder than others. This tiny blog post does not do him justice. All of this to say, I know he is having the best birthday ever - I mean, he is spending it with the Creator of the universe and that’s pretty amazing. Happy birthday, Jonathan. I love you and miss you. Moshpitwarriors forever.

peace, love, and memories.

kaeli

God is faithful

“For your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in your faithfulness.”
- Psalm 26:3

You love me and You are faithful.

“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”
- Psalm 27:14

I will wait for You; Your timing is perfect and You alone know what is best for me.

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. The LORD is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed.”
- Psalm 28:7-8

You are my Protector, my Savior, my Strength, and my Love. You will never abandon me.

peace, love, and learning.

kaeli

Healing begins now

I am so incredibly broken, and I need to be restored. I'm ready to be healed. I've spent a good portion of today in tears, but I can't guarantee that that's over with. I wrote a letter to a friend and spent a lot of time in God's Word. Tonight I'm giving that letter to my friend and I am absolutely terrified because I don't know what the end result will be. Here is a bit of what I read today:

“I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” - Psalm 18:1-3 (ESV)

“In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.” - Psalm 18:6 (ESV)

“For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God - his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.” - Psalm 18:28-30 (ESV)

With Jesus, I can do anything, including giving this letter to my friend. My courage and strength come from Him. Deep breath in... deep breath out...

peace, love, and a little bit of anxiety.

kaeli

Never Let Go

This week for bible study, we've been looking at John 6. As you can clearly see from my last post, Satan is really trying to get me down (and last night, I let him). I have obviously dealt with little to no self esteem and very poor self image almost my entire life. In fact, it is something I will probably battle with until I am united with my Father in heaven for eternity. Nonetheless, I know God is here with me and He is never letting go.

God really used John 6:37 to speak some major truth to me today. It says:

"All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out." (ESV)

No matter what happens in my life, He has His arms wrapped tightly around me and I forever live in His embrace.

"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

- John 10:28-30 (ESV)

I am not alone.

peace, love, and "Never Let Go."

kaeli

Transparency

Lord, give me strength. Heal me and restore me because I am weak and alone. Or at least I feel that way. I am shivering, crying, and vulnerable. I'm tired of not being good enough. Please, God, be more than enough for me.

All my life I've been treated like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for my dad so he made comments about my weight. What I want to do with my life isn't good enough for my mom so I have to get a degree and a well-paying job. I wasn't good enough for the lead role so my music director gave it to the person who gets everything. I wasn't good enough for a certain boy so he said he needed to spend more time with God but then he ended up dating someone else. I wasn't good enough for yet another boy so he said he needed to be single for a while, but a short time later, looks like there's an interest in someone else. I'm always the last person to know things. I'm always the last person anyone thinks about. I get a ridiculously painful ovarian cyst and no one goes out of their way to ask me how I'm doing unless I start a conversation with them. I'm tired of falling short. I'm tired of being picked last. I'm tired of all of this.

Why can't I just be good enough for one person?! That's all I ask, God. Send someone my way that will care about me and love me because I am myself and that is enough for them. And please, God, please be more than enough for me.

This is more personal than I was planning on getting, but at this point in my emotions, I don't know how else to say it. I didn't write this to behoove you or to get you to pity me. I wrote this for me, but if it somehow makes you understand how I'm feeling at this particular moment in my life, great. I am broken, shattered even, and only God can put me back together, but don't hesitate for one second to pray for me. I'm not afraid to admit that I need it.

peace, love, and transparency.

humpty dumpty

Hello McFly

After writing that last blog, I spent a good amount of time reading my bible. I was reading in Matthew 26 and I came to the part where the woman pours her perfume on Jesus' feet and wipes it up with her hair. If you've been a part of the Church for a while, you've most likely heard that story. One of the many things I love about God's Word is that He will continue to make it new to you if you are willing to see it. Here are a few things I noticed this time around...

I guess the first thing I noticed is that the woman must've known that Jesus was, if anything, special. Otherwise I don't think she would've poured a very expensive bottle of perfume on his tootsies. I'm not sure if she knew He is the Messiah or not, but she knew He was Something.

Next I realized how humble she was for doing what she did. Picture your most prized possession (if you don't have one, just pick something and go with it for now). Now ask yourself if you would be able to lay that at Jesus' feet knowing what the woman may or may not have known. To give up something of such high value (for Someone of ultimately higher value) shows humility in my eyes.

Another thing that caught my attention was the disciples' reactions to this act. What blew me away was the fact that they were suggesting she sell the perfume and get money for it! And they knew who Jesus is. I think if I were there when this happened, I would say something along the lines of, "Hello McFly, anybody home?"

Now for the wrap-up. If you've read my last blog, I obviously don't know the details of my future right now. But the most important thing I gleaned from all of this is that no matter what I do, I want to be pouring my life on Jesus' feet each and every day. That is what is most important; God will work everything else out.

peace, love, and great lines from 80's movies.

kaeli

Clarity

I honestly have no flipping clue where God wants me right now or what He wants me to do with my life. Sometimes I really just wish God would literally open His mouth and speak to me directly and tell me exactly what it is He wants me to do in such a way that I will have no doubt in my mind that it's Him. But it doesn't work like that.

So many opportunities have opened up, but the question is, which one do I take? Do I go back to Sweden and work with teens there sharing with them the love of Christ? Do I go to Russia this spring with my church and be a light there? Do I go away to some college? Do I even go to college? Do I go lead worship at a camp in Washington this summer? Do I get a full time job now, or do I wait? Do I focus all of my attention on starting a band? Oh my goodness.

I wouldn't say I'm necessarily worrying about it, I would just like to know what it is I'm supposed to do. I understand that following Christ is one big galaxy-sized leap of faith, but... Well, there is no "but." That's it, I guess.

All of this to say, I need some direction, and I need to spend some time in prayer about that as well. I would really appreciate it if you all would pray for me too. Maybe God will literally knock me over the head with what He wants me to do, then I'll know for sure.

peace, love, and longing.

kaeli

Cheesy, clichéd blog title about the start of a new year

As those of you who actually read this thing already know, I have massively failed at blogging every day in December. It stopped when I went to North Carolina for Christmas because I didn't have internet for a while, and then I was hanging out with family I didn't get to see very often so I deemed that more important. Then when I got home and finally did have internet, I ended up with a stomach bug that overstayed its welcome (not that it had one in the first place). So, all excuses aside, I'm starting fresh.

I'm very thankful for everything that happened in 2010 - the good, the bad, and the mediocre -because all of it shaped who I am right now. I've definitely grown so much and I have learned so many new things each day. Today I learned that the Caps Lock key also affects punctuation keys - awesome. Here is something I wrote seven months ago which describes where I was. Where I am now is so amazing.

"I want to be holy, but my faith is weak.

I want to be set apart, but unwilling are my feet.

My inclination is to choke, but my desire is to grow.

What is relevant in all I know?

I may be silent, but at least I'm real,

Attempting to reflect the things I feel.

Oh the taste, the taste of Your mercy is bittersweet,

Receiving grace instead of what is truly my defeat.

I want to cry out Your Name, but I've lost my voice.

In the end, this is my choice.

I know I'm meant for something more, but how do I follow the One I adore?"

For now, I'm going to... well, I have no idea. I'll figure something out. I hope each and every one of you are a better person now because of this past year, and that you will continue to move and grow. I love you guys, keep lookin' up.

peace, love, and nostalgia.

kaeli