New blog

This blog, to me, has been a way for me to chronicle events of my life, feelings, miscellaneous other things. This post will be the last on here. If you would like to keep reading my thoughts, head over to my new blog:

http://kaeliwrites.wordpress.com/2013/12/30/kaeli-writes/

Future love

I've had the desire to be one with someone for so long. I don't think it came from Disney princess movies or romantic comedies or overhearing conversations of older kids or anything. I think it came from Christ loving the Church. I've been in and out of short, stupid relationships that meant nothing, and I've toiled with a manipulating, more serious relationship. But now, I've been single for five years and have really come to the conclusion that if it really is just me and God for the rest of my life on earth, then that's wonderful. But I don't think I have this desire for no reason.

I want to discover someone. I want to always be figuring someone out. I want to cook for him. I want to dance with him. I want to empower him and inspire him. I want to hold and be held by him. I want to find pieces of his past and fit them into the puzzle that is him. I want to be on his team. I want to serve him and serve with him. I want to experience mutuality with him. I want to pray and grow with him. I want to fight and wrestle through things with him. I want to make him laugh. I want to captivate him. I want to have open conversation with him.

Loving people to that extent is so difficult, but I think I, as well as all believers, have a great capacity for it, since our love is not our own.

Since we know what real love is.

It's a struggle, it's romantic, it's silly, it's emotional, it's miraculous, it's deep and wide, it's amazing.

It can be so painful, but it's the most beautiful thing to exist, Love.

Current

I am overwhelmed. And hurt. And tired. And worried. And anxious. And sad. And lonely.

Lord, please be my strength.

Why is it that we all want change but are so afraid of it?

Because we are afraid of what we can't control (as if we are really in control of our lives 
anyway; so much is dependent upon circumstance). With change comes the unknown and the thing about the unknown is that it's undiscovered by the individual. There is no possibility of being aware of it until you are in it. But when you are it's beautiful.

I went home to St. Pete this weekend. I spent most of my time there working on the house I'll be moving into in a few weeks. But on my last evening in town I decided to eat some dinner with my mom. I was on my way to her house when she asked if I could stop by Publix and purchase some foil for her. As I was walking to my car after buying the foil, I received another phone call from my mom sounding relatively calm about my step dad's situation:

"Kaeli, Denis' house caught on fire. I don't know how bad it is yet, but just go on home and I'll be there in a little bit."

My mom and I were both thinking it was a minor fire; you know, something happened in the kitchen, or some other isolated place.

I got to my mom's house and went inside and turned on the TV. Ten minutes later I received another call from my mom, this time sounding more panicked:

"Kaeli, the fire is really bad, Rugie didn't make it. You can go on back to Tallahassee if you want or you can come by. Denis is a mess."
"No, I'm coming by."
*click*

I raced over to the other side of the neighborhood but could barely get down the street with all the other cars and firetrucks. I parked over on a side road and quickly made my way over; tears were beginning to stream down my face. As soon as I reached my mom and Denis, I threw my arms around them, sobbing into Denis' shoulder. He began to cry, too. The firefighters were waiting for the smoke to clear before they went back inside. They had carried Rugie out, wrapped in a blanket, and laid him in the back of Denis' truck.

I was crying because of the shock of it all, how fast it happened, and the loss of Rugie. Denis was crying because that dog was everything to him. Sure, he had just spent the last two years completely remodeling the house and recently finished, but man, that dog.

Eventually we were allowed to go inside and see the damage. The fire started in the back of the house, in Denis' study. It had burned so hot and so fast that the back windows exploded. That whole half of the house was completely destroyed. The front half, though not physically burned by the flames, suffered intense heat and smoke damage. Barely anything is salvageable. But we are all so thankful there were no human injuries.

Denis lost everything he owned. Every document, piece of furniture, every tile he laid, every picture he hung, everything. Granted, it is all just stuff, but it's a lot to lose in one hour.

The beautiful thing about this is that we are alive and we can start new. The house can be rebuilt and most of the stuff can be replaced. Change is hard, but not always bad; it is what we make of it, and we can make it beautiful again.

Salt

I am afraid of collaboration.

I put so much weight on the opinions people have of me, and I never really realized it until we became friends. I care that people think I’m funny all the time. I care that people think I’m put together nicely. I care that people think I’m laid back or fun or spontaneous. I care that people know I’ve known about those things, too. I care that people think I have something to say. But I am not all of those things all the time.

I am not always funny, and sometimes I am an emotional wreck. I’m not always collected, or fun, and sometimes I need to plan out the details. I don’t always have something to say. And sometimes I haven’t heard about this or that.

And that’s okay.

And I need to be okay with that.

Because we will still be friends.

Paying so much attention to what I think you think prohibits me from being valid. I become disabled by my own ideals and images of how I think you see me. I don’t typically voice things because of the immense pressure I put on myself to always make you happy or please you or make sure you have the right perception of me.

It’s exhausting.

And it has made me stale.

I will become seasoned again.

Again

So here I am, dealing with another bout of depression.

It usually beings when I get "too busy" to spend time with God and then little things become big things and things matter that shouldn't and things don't matter that should. Happiness is so fleeting and joy seems too far away. Freedom is buried because you keep allowing things to dig deep and push you further in. Friends feel like they don't want to be friends anymore and everything is hanging from your own actions or words and if you mess up, it will all fall apart.

I really need someone to disciple me and I need someone to disciple.

My love language is quality time, followed closely by physical touch. In other words, I feel the most loved when people seek me out to spend time with me or when they take our plans seriously. So it really hurts when I make plans with someone or a group of people and then they flake or forget we made plans. It also hurts when everything thinks I have been informed about something when really no one has kept me in the loop (even when I ask) and because of everyone's assumptions, I end up being left out. Normally I could get over it pretty quickly, but when I am in this state of mind - this selfish, shitty, dark, lonely state of mind - everything hits harder and hurts deeper.

I need Jesus.

shalom.
kaeli

To my future husband

My dearest,

Sometimes at night I cry because I just haven't felt good enough for anyone yet. I haven't felt attractive enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or spiritual enough. I have wasted so much time and thought on other men; so much of my heart has been handed out and it hurts that it's been broken so many times before. But then I am reminded of how I was crafted for you, how you were put together for me; how God on High knew before either of us were knit that we were designed to be for each other.

I want to be your teammate, your best friend, your biggest fan, your muse, your partner in crime. I want to cook for you, to pray with you, to laugh and cry with you. I want to be absolutely ridiculous with you. I want to watch nerdy TV shows and movies with you. I want to play music with you. I want to be free with you. I want to be your wife, the mother of your children, the grandmother of our children's children.

I want to talk to you under the sheets with a flashlight. I want to stay up way too late reading together and talking about our days. I want to sleep in on rainy days and just be with you. I want to adventure with you. I want to hike and go for bike rides and kayak and dance and go to an archery range. I want to make so many memories with you that we will never run out of stories to tell.

Most of all, I want to serve Christ and the Body with you. I want to be challenged by you and with you and grow so far into Christ that there is no end to where your or I begin in Him.

For now, I will wait. Patient, but with so much longing. I cannot wait until I meet you, my darling. Thank you for waiting for me.